Single in the City

Red Flags to look out for in a Relationship

All relationships are clearly not meant to be. Only a few really deserve your time and your efforts and sometimes we have this clouded judgment and fail to recognize warning signs that are clearly there. You should invest your time with those people who respect you and will treat you well.

There are so many of these so called "red flags" to look out for when you’re dating someone and here are just a few:

* They lie - If they lie about small things, they’re going to lie about bigger things.

* They are inconsistent - They love you one day and want to break things off the next day. This person is unstable and will only cause you heartache. 

* They are hard to reach – You don’t know where they live, they don’t pick up their phone most of the time or they never have their phone on them when you’re around. What are they hiding? 

* They are too controlling - They need to know where you are at all times.  This shows signs of insecurity and could be a big problem in the future.

* They don't communicate properly - They shut down and won't talk about any possible issues. Communication is the key to any successful relationship. 

* They have a terrible temper -  They yell a lot and what’s even worse is if when they blame you for making them yell. 

* They are physically or mentally abusive - There is no excuse for any sort of violence in a relationship. This is a serious problem and should be addressed immediately. 

* They treat others with disrespect -  If they are rude to people that's a good indication that they may be rude to you down the road.

* The negatives outweigh the positives - If the bad is outweighing the good in any given relationship, then it’s time to re-evaluate the situation and make whatever changes may be necessary to free yourself from the relationship in question. 

My advice to all of those in a new relationship, make sure you move slow enough to see these warning signs before you fully give your heart to someone.  I normally give the 3 month rule, generally people’s true colours come out in about 3 months.

Laura Bilotta is the co-founder and personal matchmaker for Single in the City. She has a background in television, sales, radio, media and promotions. Her many years of experience working in the dating industry allows her to share her expertise and give dating and relationship advice.

 

 

 

Sex, friendship, dating—ahh, the single life. With the city of Toronto as its backdrop, The Dating Guy, brainchild of marblemedia’s Mark Bishop and Matt Hornburg, follows four friends – Mark, Woody, Sam and VJ – on their weekly hunt for love, or at least some kind of “happy ending.” From the ins and outs of dating a werewolf, to the subtleties of seducing a virgin porn star, The Dating Guy takes viewers on a no-holds-barred and eclectic journey into the dating world of 20-somethings – including the time in life where school is done, work is whatever, and flying to the Philippines to procure a black market liver for a girlfriend’s dying brother is just an average Tuesday night.

The Dating Guy airs Sundays at 10:30 p.m. on TELETOON At Night, and features a talented cast of Canadian voice actors and even special appearances by Canadian comedy heavyweights Russell Peters and Howie Mandel.

Playing devil’s advocate to the sinful satire portrayed on the show, DatingGuy.Com is an interactive adult playground and dating advice website for guys, which features fun quizzes, games, polls, quirky articles on dating related topics, full episodes of The Dating Guy, and even a “sexy cartoon” image gallery. TheDatingGuy.com also features an original web series, The Morning After Show.

The Morning After Show is a weekly debrief by a live-action panel of dating experts and celebrity panelists who discuss topics from the previous night’s episode.

Free Online Dating VS. Paid Online Dating

 

Melissa Hyslop - Guest Author - Co-owner Single in the City

Free Online Dating VS Paid Online Dating - Does a higher price = higher quality people?

 

For a newly single person these days there are many options to choose from when it comes to dating services. One of the most common is online dating services.  Entering into the online dating world when newly single can be daunting, so many sites to choose from, so how do you know where to start?

In the world of dating there’s a site for everyone. Some sites are particularly specified; for example if you are into health and fitness there are sites just for fit singles. If you are looking for a partner of a particular ethnicity you can find a site targeted for each specific ethnicity.  Every site has something different to offer and it’s a matter of finding what is right for you. 

A recent trend is “free” online dating.  Using these sites is kind of like shopping at Winners – tons of items to choose from, all different types, shapes and sizes, some brand name quality…some not.  You have to be willing to put in the time and effort.  You have to be willing to search through these sites as you would with endless clothing racks and picking out the best finds.  Many newly single people turn to free online dating sites first because, well, they are free.   On a free online dating site you will find a variety of people.  Some will be looking for a serious relationship, some dating and some want to “hook up” for sex.  It will be up to you to figure out who is who.  One risk to using free online dating sites is that you may encounter married people who want to flirt or fool around, they are less likely to pay for the service therefore, the chance of them using  paid sites are far less.

Do paid sites mean “higher quality” or more serious daters?  Well, quality is judged by your personal preference and is something you will have to figure out for yourself.  It could be argued that single people who are serious about dating would prefer to use a paid online dating site. However, in the case of serious daters, most are on more than one site at a time so many use both the free sites as well as the paid sites.  Therefore, the argument of there being more serious people on paid online dating sites doesn’t really stand.   It all depends on your preferred type of browsing; you may just find a great pair of jeans at winners but you also may have to go through a lot of rejects to find that special pair – the same can be said for all sites.

If you’re trying to choose between a free online dating site and a paid online dating site, the main criteria should really be ease of use; since both types of sites offer pretty much the same pool of merchandise to choose from. 

How to attract and keep the woman of your dreams

Guys, a lot of you out there don’t know how to attract the right single woman into your life. Single women are very picky and they will tear you apart if you don’t meet their check list. I know this sounds a little harsh, buts its true and the quicker you get it, the closer you will be to finding the right girl to share your life with.  Some guys can attract the right women, but they don’t know how to keep them from running away.

Follow these tips to help you attract and keep the right single woman in your life:

 

• First impressions are so important.  Women like men who are clean, have nice white clean teeth, smell good (get advice on scents) and dress nice.  Nice shoes are a must as women will often judge men by their shoes. I’m not kidding!
•  Play on the women’s senses.   Look into her eyes when you’re talking to her, give her subtle touches, yes I said SUBTLE, NO GROPING.  Compliment her and make her feel beautiful.
• Women like men that are funny.  If you’re naturally funny, let yourself go.  If you’re not funny, don’t try to be, as you may come across as awkward.
•  Be confident but not cocky, there’s a big difference.  Women don’t want to particularly listen to how great you are all the time.  Actions speak louder than words so show her how great you are by the way you treat her.
• Be a gentleman, chivalry is NOT DEAD!! Women are looking for a man to be the man.  Pay for that 1^st and 2^nd date; open the car door, etc… Make a woman feel safe; feeling secure and safe are definitely a BIG TURNON for women. 
• Control your sexual hunger.  Women want to know that you’re interested in more than just sex.  Refrain from any sexual advancement for the first 2-3 dates unless she’s the initiator and just roaring to go.
•  Make a woman feel that she is special and the centre of your universe.  I know it can be difficult at times but what can I say, this is how woman are wired.  They like attention, lots of it!
• Never show up to a woman’s house in the beginning stages without a little something; it doesn’t have to be anything expensive. Some things you can bring are flowers (even 1 rose will do), a bottle of wine, chocolates, or even a plant.  It’s the thought that counts and believe me it goes a long way.
• Women like men that are busy.  Don’t always be available but do send a little message once in a while to say hello and letting them know that you’re thinking of them.
• Be yourself, honesty goes a long way.  If you show signs of dishonesty in the beginning, you will break the trust factor and the relationship may never progress in a healthy manner.
• Ask her about her interests and hobbies and pay attention to detail. 
• Surprise her once in a while with an overnight somewhere or a day trip.  Women are usually the planners but appreciate it when a guy makes the effort to be the initiator.  Make things FUN, be spontaneous!!!
• Don’t show signs of possessiveness.   There should be trust in a relationship, otherwise don’t be in that relationship.  There are enough other daily stresses people need to deal with and that one shouldn’t be necessary.

These are some tips to make you more attractive to the single women out there.  Remember, women aren’t necessarily always looking for the most gorgeous man but for the man  that knows how to treat her without being too needy and possessive.  Guys, I suggest you take my advice; it may just improve your love life!

Laura Bilotta is the co-founder of Single in the City.  She has a background in television, sales, radio, media and promotions. Her many years of experience working in the dating industry as a professional matchmaker, allows her to share her expertise and give dating and relationship advice. 

 

Dating multiple partners...what we can all learn from Tiger and Jesse

A few of weeks ago, SITC co-owner Laura and I were invited to be guest hosts on a CBC program titled "The Morning After Show". This is a talk show headed by four local comedians where the premise is to, according to their facebook page, "get the deal on dating, relationships and encounters of a one-night-kind." Topics that aren't completely foreign to Ms. Bilotta and myself. Admittedly, this experience was initially a little overwhelming, considering it was my first time doing anything of the sort but thankfully the cast was gentle in taking my studio audience virginity. The segment I was assigned to, dealt with the issue of dating multiple partners at the same time. Some of the points that came up in my exchange with the cast and audience members are worth repeating here and certainly have relevance to those that are drawn to this site.

Of course some prominent examples of men in the public eye who have been found to be dating multiple women, much to their dismay, were mentioned. Specifically the scandal ridden Tiger Woods and America's other favourite golden boy, former Mr. Sandra Bullock- Jesse James. Now these two are being heralded as poster children for "Libidos Gone Wild", living symbols of the kind of men that women don't want to end up with. Images of Tiger Woods and Jesse James combined with those of David Letterman and the guy on Bones, formerly Angel (can't remember his name and can't be bothered to google it) recently joining the cheater's fraternity, make women claim to hate men who have prolific sex lives. But it wasn't the practice of dating more than one woman at once that flushed the lives of the aforementioned down the crapper, but it was their timing of it. Tiger didn't bother to indulge before becoming committed to a monogamous relationship and Jesse should've... well... never have been in one. Their behaviour wasn't evidence of a bullshit sex addiction, or a warped ego but a manifestation of their biological wiring. A necessary rite of passage that all men must pass through... and women too for that matter. In fact, doing so and doing it the right way can enrich the potential to have fulfilling relationships for both genders.

Having many viable options is always an ideal position to be in: a list of good schools to go to, several lucrative job offers to choose from, competitive price quotes on the major purchase being considered. Why should one's love life be any different? One of the best pieces of advice a mentor gave me once was when I find that one woman that I think I really seem to click with and can't stop thinking about, go surround myself with other women. I know that sounds like bizarre advice and it certainly did to me when I first heard it. But doing so is the perfect cure for "one-itis". You know, that terrible affliction of the mind you get when you think that somebody is the "one". It forces you to become fixated on a person to the point of doing stupid things like dropping the "L" word on them way too early or calling them at frequent intervals of the day like Jim Carrey's character in "Cable Guy". "One-itis" also has a very nasty side effect like becoming overly jealous, possessive and even abusive because you're not confident you can find anybody else. When you surround yourself with many strong, potential romantic choices you provide yourself many healthy distractions to becoming overly preoccupied with one person. Very quickly, you'll know who you have the best chemistry with and will naturally weed the less suitable options out. Having a prolific dating life will make the relationship you choose more solid. If you study the background of our buddy Tiger, you'd see that during his single years, he spent most of time in isolation, sharing hotels on the road with his father. Once married, he finds himself one of the wealthiest, most recognizable men in the world and in the best shape of his life, attracting more ass than a public toilet seat. That would be difficult for any man but never having had a carefree bachelorhood when he had a chance, didn't help Tiger's case any.

Don't get me wrong- I believe there's great value in having a sexually monogamous relationship and once you've committed to one, it's a commitment that should be honoured. But before taking the leap, get to know what's out there. Play safe, and have fun. Speaking of having many great options, have you checked out a Single in the City speed dating event yet?

 

  

Patrick considers himself equally as much a student of the game as he is a player of it. He worked hard to tranform from a self-confessed high school geek and religious zealot to a man comfortable around women and endowed with abilities to attract them. After amassing many books, "motivational" tapes and CD's, and pursuing university studies in human psychology in hopes to finding the key to dating success, he realized his greatest education would come from trial and error. Patrick admits to making plenty of errors and keeps making them. Does he have all of the answers? NO. But he does have some of them and they're pretty darned good ones. He urges his readers to be as skeptical of him as he was of the "experts". But more importantly, take action in figuring things out for yourself and to get out there and have fun in the dating adventure along with him.

 

 

 

Dating Diaries by Laura Bilotta "He who laughs last, laughs alone"

Nobody said dating was easy, anybody at any age who's out in the dating world knows this. Sometimes it can be exhilarating and fun and other times it can be confusing and disappointing.  Being single and running Single in the City, I've had and heard of many interesting dating experiences over the years.  The stories I will be posting are "real life" dating experiences from either myself or other single friends.  I'm sure some of these stories will hit home with many of you.  Laugh along and pick up on some of the tips to help you become more successful in the dating world.

He who laughs last, laughs alone.....

I met Jim at one of my Single in the City speed dating events at Milestones.  He wasn't participating in the event but he happened to be having dinner there with a friend.  I asked him to participate, he declined and said that he'd rather watch so I told him that they could sit at the end of the bar.  Jim was a 5'10 handsome fella, an architect working for a well established firm in the GTA. Separated for just over a year, he was a single dad of a 6yr old girl in which he shared custody.  He had a great job, was a good father, handsome, in great shape and seemed kind sounds great right ladies?

For our first date, he asked me to go for dinner at a local Thai place. Well, it just so happened to be pouring rain that evening and he suggested that we order in.  I jumped at the idea as I had spent 1/2 hour on my hair and didn't want it to get messed up....you know, girl issues.  We were both starving, he was sorta taking over the menu so I let him be the man and order. He pulled out his credit card to pay and I stopped him telling him that I would get it because he was in my home. He backed off and let me pay which I didn't take too offensively as I figured that he may have just been respecting the fact that we were in my home. HUGE RULE though guys, if you're going to ask the girl out, be prepared to pay. That's right, it's such a turn off when a man isn't man enough to pick up the tab even if it's at her home.

The evening was going well; we chatted up a storm, ate plenty, drank wine and listened to music on the couch. Then suddenly, he starting bringing up his ex. Another HUGE NO NO, don't bring up your EX on the first date as it shows that you still have ex issues and that's not very attractive. You're not looking for a shrink, you're looking for a partner and if you are looking for a shrink, then go talk to a real one. Jim was on the wrong track but I still gave him a chance because he seemed to have a lot of good qualities, it was worth the try.

The day after he asked me to go workout at the gym I thought, wow, this guy is on the ball, he's not afraid to show interest and that's rare these days. After we worked out he headed home to pack as he was leaving for Georgia the next day with his little girl.  All week he was messaging me on BBM, (Blackberry Messenger) I thought that was sweet.  The day before he got home, he asked me to workout the next day then go for dinner.  During the dinner, he spoke about his little girl a lot which was fine in my books but to others that's considered another DATING FAUX PAS.  People want to get to know you in the beginning, not your children.  If they fall in love with you, they will accept your children and if they don't, then it wasn't meant to be, move on! 

Ok, so, now the bill comes. I grab for my wallet because I don't want to be rude and I say, "I can help you pay for half" he says "ok". I was floored! Jim asked me out the first time, I payed for it, then he asked me out the second time and he allowed me to pay for half.  That was enough for me to call it quits.  I took him off my BBM as I thought he was disrespectful. I got an email from him the next day asking me why I took him off.  I didn't lie, I told him the truth. When a man asks a woman out, he should pay. This is especially true for the first date, or in this case for the second date after she paid for the first.  He went on to explain that these days a man never knows whether he should pick up the bill or not and that he thought he would have insulted me, hence my independence.  He wanted me to find happiness because I'm a great girl and i deserve it and that he counted himself lucky to have met me. 

At this point I start feeling a little bad for being upfront and deleting him from my phone so I write back something nice and he asks me to give him another chance.  I start thinking, perhaps he meant what he said and was just clueless on what to do. Maybe he really didn't think he should pay the entire bill and didn't know that men should be gentlemen and pay on the first date or at least the second date.

I decided to give him another chance so we planned an afternoon out. Well guess what...he stiffed me. LOL. He said his neighbour had a leak he had to go fix and that he left his phone at home.  Well, his phone was off!  I sold phones for 2 years, I know how they work.  I said something to him about it and he said I was being sarcastic and I said "No, I'm being truthful".  He said sarcastic, I said truthful. He took me off his BBM just like I did to him and then sent me an email saying that I wasn't right for him.  Well no kidding Sherlock!

Get it, he did the same thing I did to him. I emasculated him (which I'm not proud of but he had to be told) and he had no intention on ever going out with me again, he just wanted to get me back.  I wish him the best.  

Laura Bilotta is the co-founder and personal matchmaker for Single in the City.  She has a background in television, sales, radio, media and promotions. Her many years of experience working in the dating industry allows her to share her expertise and give dating and relationship advice.

LAURA wants to know your opinion....

Well I can honestly say when it comes to dating I'm not perfect and may want your opinion from time to time.  Let's see if you can help me out on this one, here we go....

If someone you've been dating for a while goes away for about 5-7 days should they be expected to contact you somehow? Do you expect them to contact you? I want to know your thoughts please post your comments!

What do single women really want?

Guest Author - Melissa - Co-Owner & Event Planner for Single in the City

The roles of men and women have drastically changed…for better or worse?  Back a few decades ago, men were not expected to self groom, know how to dress, cook or clean or to please a woman in bed.   The exchange was simple; the man provided the money, the home and necessities and the woman reared the children and fulfilled her husband’s needs.  Sounds like a pretty foreign concept compared to today’s standards.  While I’m all for women’s liberation, don’t we have to take everything that comes with it – the good and the bad?  Independence did throw a bit of a monkey wrench into the roles of men and women and how we relate to each other, making successful modern day dating about as easy as finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

These days, both men and women are confused.  Women want a confident man -but not cocky, a financially stable man – but not cheap, a well groomed man – but not too feminine, a sensitive, romantic guy - yet rugged and manly, a loyal man – who is not clingy and a man who is chivalrous – but still encourages our independence.  If women are this confused about what they want, can you just imagine how confused the men are?  Men have been forced to change their way of thinking as women have evolved and their expectations grow.  Does that mean it’s wrong to have high expectations? No of course not, but do we really even know what we want?

All this confusion with male/female roles is contributing to the break-up of couples after 10-20 years of being married.  Most of the divorces happening these days are between couples in their 40’s and 50’s. The media, movies, shows etc. all lead us to believe that there is something bigger and better out there for everyone.  Well, this isn’t necessarily the case. Both infidelity and divorce are on the rise for men and women.  They are coming out of relationships all confused and with complicated standards for each other.  Women are suddenly liberated and think they don’t need a man, but after a while, they figure they really do want one and realize how hard it is to find one.

So why are we really so surprised when a man doesn’t pay, call first, offer to drive or open the door for us? They figure as independent women, we want to do these things for ourselves.  Isn’t that what we want? Or is it?

Should men pay or not pay- That is the question

Guest Author - Patrick P - Single, 30-something, Marketing Rep and a long-time friend of Single in the City.

While recently out to dinner with a platonic girlfriend of mine (yes, it’s possible for men to have these which shocks even me sometimes), we began musing over some of our recent dating experiences. She immediately led with the latest adventure concerning an enterprising young fellow who, when the bill arrived, uttered the opportunity-for-sex-killing line: "Now you owe $4 for the pan bread, $8 for the shiraz…" That elicited a hardy laugh from me but also sparked a prolonged debate regarding the responsibility to pay on a date and who it belongs to. The heart of the debate is leaving young women disheartened and young men confused and in a lot of cases, broke. Who can blame them in this age of ultra-feminism and metrosexuality? The roles for men and women ain’t what they used to be. It’s a debate that you will all be faced with frequently because your involvement with Single in the City will most likely have you dating a lot. Fast forward to the conclusion of the debate where my position was: Paying on dates will not get men laid. Her position: Failure to pay on dates will not get men laid. And you know what? We were both right. To find out how we got there we need a brief glimpse into the dating scene of yesteryear with some consideration given to history, sociology and yes, even biology.

If you posed this issue to our mothers and grandmothers, it will be a given that a man should always pay. Most men know that the expectation to pay looms over every date and in most cultures, especially European ones, you may as well hand over your genitalia if you let a woman shell out coin. However, this isn’t Europe and this isn’t the generation of our mothers and grandmothers. You really can’t compare the dating scenes then and now because… there wasn’t a dating scene until recent decades. There was no such thing as recreationally dating beyond high school. With few exceptions, singles courted and did so with the end goal being marriage by the time their early 20’s rolled around. Men only had to pay for one or at most a couple of women. If women had jobs, they were waitresses and secretaries or grossly underpaid while holding the same job title as men predominantly held. Paying for dinners, trips and expensive gifts were investments that men expected to see a return on- and you know the kind of return I’m talking about. For a visual example of these good ol’ days, treat yourself to an episode of the hit TV show, Mad Men. Fast forward to our modern age- I understand that we still have a ways to go when it comes to pay equity in this country but we’ve come a helluva long way. By and large, there isn’t any level of education or income a woman can’t attain anymore. With almost 50% of modern marriages ending in divorce, the resulting ‘second wave’ of dating that follows comes on the heels of women often receiving the lion’s share of whatever settlement there is. Is it any wonder then that men are crying foul when face-to-face with women who are on the surface liberated, progressive, ‘Miss Independent’ but decide to get all traditional when the bill arrives?

Although I’m a guy and my bias is obviously shining through, I’d like to state for the record that I’m not against a man paying on dates. In fact, I feel we should pay more often than our female counterparts. This is because, biologically, women are hard wired to be attracted to men who are strong, capable, and know how to provide. If you’re stupid rich and you earn 10 times more in one second than what the restaurant bill is worth, pay to your heart’s content. I don’t imagine that Donald Trump looks over to wife Millania after a night at a Manhattan haute couture restaurant and says: "This one’s on you". But gifts and dinners are a privilege and a reward that comes once a relationship is established. Dating is a feeling out (and feeling ‘up’) process where you determine if the other is worth spending your precious time and money on. By blowing your wad- ahem, cash wad- too early, men send out the signal that they’re like every other schmuck out there that have to buy attraction because they have little else to offer. By accepting and expecting payment with no attempt at a contribution, women give off the signal that they’re needy and dependent, having to rely on a man to take care of them. Both types may attract a mate of some form, but often not the quality type they’re looking for.

To avoid the conflict to begin with, learn the art of the ‘mini-date’- dates that require little or no money. These ‘mini-dates’, besides being more economical, provide more opportunity for fun and interaction and are less sterile than your typical dinner-and-a-movie. Starbuck’s, ice skating, zoos, nature walks, billiards, bowling, are just a few examples. A woman’s desire for a man to take charge, show some creativity and give her some custom tailored attention far outweighs her desire to have him pick up the tab. If you’re going to do dinner-and-a-movie, I don’t see anything wrong with the woman occasionally picking up the lesser of the two which is most likely the movie.

As we look behind to Valentine’s Day, and you’re not yet with that ‘special’ someone, give the ‘mini-date’ a shot. I can assure you that your black book and your pocket book will both be much heavier.

Singles Parties.. A little bit of optimism goes a long way

Singles parties have become a lot more mainstream but there's no question about it, they can be scary especially if you've never gone to one before and don't know what to expect.  I've been going to bars for years and I can honestly tell you that the crowd is not much different at a bar than at a singles party.  The difference between them is that at a bar you don't know who is single, people may not be as serious about meeting someone or they're just looking for a one night stand.  At a singles party on the other hand, there are people just like you and me that ARE singles and most likely looking for something a little more serious.  Single parties can be just as much fun if not event more fun than going to just an ordinary bar for the reason that you get to meet a lot more people.

Now, if you're going to get all dolled up and ready to go to a singles party to meet people then I suggest you see it through.  It's really not a big deal folks.  I get people coming to the door, humming and hawing about whether they should come in or not.  If the party starts at 9pm and you arrive at 9:05pm don't expect it to be packed.  Imagine if everyone came in and did that there would never be a party.  If you're planning to go to a singles party then I suggest you go to the party and second guess yourself as obviously there was a reason you wanted to go in the first place.  And...sorry to break it to you but if you've hit a certain age (I think you know who you are) you really don't have a lot of other options on a Friday or Saturday night.  You need to find a bar that caters to an older crowd which is very hard to come by and believe me (aka the social butterfly of the century), the quality of the crowd in those bars is no better and your chances of meeting someone are much slimmer.  Trust me, I know as I've been to all of them and more that just once.

This blog was inspired by a party Single in the City had just before Christmas.  Three ladies walked in to the party at 8:55pm (doors barley open) looked in, noticed that there were only a few people there waited until 9:15pm and decided it wasn't busy enough so they left. People started filtering in, more men than women.  Three more women came to the door and at this point there were a decent number of people there and they also decided not to stay for whatever reason.  Sometimes women complain that there are more women than men at a singles party; we give them a room full of guys and they still don't want to stay what do we do?  Instead, they probably found a local bar with 20 something's and 50 something men trying to pick up the 20 something's if you know what I'm saying.

The moral of the story is......try something new and don't go somewhere expecting the worst, always think positive and expect the best and it will eventually find you; that's how the universe works.  The love of you life could be in that room but you'd never know it because you left.

Laura Bilotta is the co-founder and personal matchmaker for Single in the City.  She has a background in television, sales, radio, media and promotions. Her many years of experience working in the dating industry allows her to share her expertise and give dating and relationship advice.

 

A Single Man's Guide to Dating and.....Rejection?

Guest Author - Patrick P - Single, 30-something, Marketing Rep and a long-time friend of Single in the City.

 A Single Man's Guide to Dating and....Rejection?

QTP4U was her handle. 5’7”, brown hair and eyes, a little thick in the thighs but by no means overweight (judging by her photos at least). Her profession read “I have one” and she claimed to have a bachelor’s degree in the Education category. She appeared to be a decent girl by most guys’ standards and by no means out of my league. In fact, my ego whispered in my ear that I was probably out of hers. I wrote something quick and witty, playfully teasing her about her wasted support for the Leafs, showing that: 1) I paid attention to what she wrote in her profile and 2) I was secure enough to have fun with the process without having to confess my undying love, talking about how many babies we could have, blah blah. Click ‘send message’. This particular lonely hearts website allows users to see the recipients’ response to the message, so I checked in every so often to do that. After forty-five minutes: Unread. Hour and a half: Unread. After leaving the house to go watch the dreadful Leaf game I returned to check again to be greeted with the message status: Read DELETED. What!? Am I reading that right? She read my message, looked over my profile and didn’t like what she saw- or at least, that’s how I interpreted it. That uppity bitch! J The insecure wussbag in me immediately kicked into high gear. “Do you look too bloated in that photo?” wussbag asked. “Maybe your cheeseball attempt at humour fell flat”, he continued. Either way I sliced it, one thing was certain- I got rejected, with a capital ‘R’.

I found it fitting to deal with this subject in my first blog because like death and taxes, rejection is one of those things that are inevitable in some facet of life. Through Singleinthecity, you’ll meet literally hundreds of potential suitors at any given mixer, and at least a couple dozen at each of the speed dates. Many will welcome your advances with open arms, but for at least a few… not so much. There’s no doubt about it, any way you slice it- rejection flat out sucks. When comparing notes from each and every one of the scores of dating gurus in print and on the net, one piece of advice is the foundation for all: HOW YOU COPE WITH REJECTION AND FAILURE IS THE MOST CRITICAL FACTOR TO YOUR SUCCESS IN DATING AND RELATIONSHIPS.  It is often said that fear of public speaking is a bigger fear than death. I call bullshit. By far the biggest fear for the vast majority, especially singles, is fear of failure. It has a cousin - fear of rejection. The inability to cope will cause approach anxiety and prevent you from taking the initiative to meet that special someone. This fear is more paralyzing to men because, even though things have changed somewhat, men are still expected to be the pursuer in relationships.

One important fact that has to be remembered is that regardless of how good looking, wealthy, or charismatic you are, there are some that just won’t be interested in you. Often times, it is a reflection of their own insecurities. If a man or woman is shy about their looks or personality, they may be intimidated by yours if you are above average in both categories. They may also be carrying negative baggage from bad experiences. Women are used to being constantly approached, flirted with, hit on. Even women you might consider ‘average’ are approached by men on a pretty regular basis. Despite what you have to offer, you may get lumped in with every other schmuck that has tried and failed to get into their pants. Of course it’s true that the one you’re pursuing may not be interested in your ‘type’. Some women prefer clean cut men that wear suits, others the bad boy rocker type. Some men may like curvier women, others the stick-thin supermodel type.

The worst case scenario is that you may need to acquire a new set of skills. Style and grooming is a skill, effective approaching is a skill, conversation is a skill, entertaining is a skill, and yes even getting physical is a skill. If you feel challenged with a certain skill get an objective member of the opposite sex or someone that is skilled with members of the opposite to sex to audit your set of skills and then be blunt with you. You’ll find that people who are truly successful in dating or any aspect of life will be generous with their time for somebody that is open to receiving help. No matter what happens, just enjoy the experience, learn from it and… MOVE ON.

As for QTP4U, she doesn’t know what she’s missing. Perhaps SUNSHINE79 will find I have exactly what she’s looking for. 

 

He's just not that into you....or maybe he is into you

"He's just not that into you".  After the book came out and then the movie, so many women have this perception that if a guy isn't knocking down your door, calling or texting you everyday, that he's not into you.  Women everywhere are reciting those words to their girlfriends and to themselves. in general, the girls aren't chasing the boys like they used to be. I see it with our speed dating events; most of the time the girls wait for the single guys to contact them.  

Not sure I believe in the "He's not that into you" theory exactly. Sometimes a guy needs a little persuasion girls...he doesn't always know what he wants. Every single guy is different and every situation is different.  Not every guy will be confident enough at the time or 100% ready to get into a serious relationship with someone. You don't know what they've been through in their past or are currently going through.  He could like you but not be ready for numerous reasons and not every guy falls in love with a girl right away.  Some need a little time and with a little perseverance, you may get your prince. By no means should you wait around for a guy that isn't treating you right though.  Only you know you someone makes you feel and if you're not on the same page and you can't handle it, then I would suggest getting out of dodge.  Don't waste time on someone that doesn't make you feel good.  It's more time wasted on the wrong person when you should be finding the right person. On the other hand, if you're dating other people in the meanwhile and don't mind playing it out to see where things lead then I say hang in there never know what can happen.  Girls grow on guys sometimes especially when the sex is good. 

I talked to many single guys about the "He's just not that into you" topic.  Some said they would chase the girl if they we were really interested in her and others were shy and said they would rather the girl they were interested in show interest in them.  Some that were serious about meeting someone said that if they were to show a girl too much interest she would get scared off; they feel the need to play it cool. My theory is "who cares", if you like a guy don't be afraid to show him that you're interested in him. If he reciprocates great, if he doesn't at all then move on.  Once he reciprocates though let him do a little chasing but do show an interest in him. Don't bombard him with texts and calls and act busy even if you're not.

So...if you like a guy show him your interested in him and then let him come to you...never be overly aggressive. If you see that he may be a little shy then make the first move and don't be scared some guys really like this.  Try different things, every single guy is not the same and one thing may work for you more than another.

Laura Bilotta is the co-founder and personal matchmaker for Single in the City.  She has a background in television, sales, radio, media and promotions. Her many years of experience working in the dating industry allows her to share her expertise and give dating and relationship advice.

This year.....go to a Singles party for New Year's Eve in Toronto and Burlington

Go to a singles party this year for New Year's. You owe it to yourself to chat with new people, make new connections and try something new for 2010. Single in the City has two great parties to choose from.

The first New Year's party I'm going to tell you about is Toronto's Best Singles New Year's Eve Party at the Sheraton Centre Hotel at Queen and Parliament in Toronto.  This place is truly awesome and I would say one of the hottest venue's in the city. It's a huge space with floor to ceiling windows on the 43rd floor of a great hotel right in the heart of the city.  This space is normally the Club Lounge for VIP members and it's gorgeous. You walk in and right away you feel the class and elegance as it opens up to an incredible view of Toronto at night. You'll enjoy delicious hors d'oeuvres prepared by the chef's at the Sheraton hotel as you mingle with over 300 well dressed sexy singles and dance the night away to great music! Oh and how can I forget, you'll have an incredible view of the fireworks at Nathan Phillip Square at midnight.  Ages for this event are 22+ but the majority will be between the ages of 25 and 45.  This party is only $69.99 before December 27th and $75 thereafter. Grab a room for the night, the Single in the City room rate is only $179.00 regular $225 for this beautiful upscale hotel.

http://www.singleinthecity.ca/Singles-New-Years-Toronto-Gala-Sheraton-Toronto

The second New Year's party I'm going to tell you about is in Burlington at the Travelodge Hotel on the lake.  It's the only New Year's Party for singles in the west end.  Single in the City hosted a New Year's party here 2 years ago and it was a smashing success! We had over 225 singles between the ages of 27 and 53 and boy it was a great party.  We're planning to have a successful sold out event again this year. The venue is upscale, everyone will be well dressed and the food will be spectacular.  Listen to what's on the menu...a delicious anitpasto station with tons of yummy stuff, a beef carving station and a 3 tier chocolate fountain.  Make it a fun night out, grab some friends and get a room for the night. Perfect, you don't even have to drive anywhere. The cost for this event is only $55 before December 15th and $65 thereafter.

http://www.singleinthecity.ca/West-End-Singles-Burlington-New-Years-Eve-Party

So there you have it!  Two great New Year's parties for singles.  Make sure you don't hang in alone and as a single person, you owe it to yourself to go out and be with other single people on New Year's. You never know who's going to be there......

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" host of Dating 201 on Rogers. 

For more information on Single in the City visit www.singleinthecity.ca or call 1-866-740-7482.

The Benefits of Speed dating for Men

Speed dating is one of the greatest ways to meet single women and for a lot of guys, speed dating is still a hidden gem. There are so many benefits to speed dating especially if you're a man and I'm going to tell you why. 

Here are the reasons: 

*At a speed dating event you have an advantage as you meet people face to face and we all know that physical appearance and chemistry play important roles in the initial stages of dating. First impressions mean everything. 

*I interviewed men about online dating and what they thought about it and they told me that they were disappointed as a lot of the women posted false pictures or said they were somebody that they weren't. 

*If you hang out in the bars hoping to meet someone it could be difficult. Not all the women in the bar are single and a lot of them are young, not ready to settle down and just out for a good time. 

*You get to meet up to 25 single women serious about meeting someone. They are all there to meet you and your guaranteed at least 3-4 minutes of your time with them. 

*There's no embarrassment; If you like them and they don't like you, they'll never know. 

*It's a great way to brush up on your interpersonal skills especially if you're new to the dating scene 

*There's no pressure and speed dating is a lot of fun! 

*Some men assume that the women who attend speed dating events are ugly, losers or have issues. But believe it or not, most of the women who use these services are actually very confident and attractive. They're people like you and me who just can't find the time or resources to go out and meet other people. The women are hot and once guys start coming to events they're hooked! 

*If you're looking to meet and eventually settle down in a long-lasting relationship, speed dating will put you on the right track…… 

My advice to all the single men out there is to stop being frightened of the unknown and get out and try a speed dating event, you will love it.

Laura Bilotta is the co-founder and personal matchmaker for Single in the City.  She has a background in television, sales, radio, media and promotions. Her many years of experience working in the dating industry allows her to share her expertise and give dating and relationship advice.

 

Who goes speed dating? the most common question answered…

 

Guest Author - Melissa - Co-Owner & Event Planner for Single in the City

 

Who goes speed dating? the most common question answered…

After hosting speed dating events for over 8.5 years, there always seems to be one question we get asked when people are considering attending an event for the first time.  This question is not discriminatory, it is asked by both men and women of all ages.

What kind of people go speed dating?

This question is kind of like asking what kind of people go to the grocery store.   There isn’t one kind of person who speed dates, single people come in all shapes, sizes, backgrounds and occupations. As well, no two events are the same when it comes to who will be attending.  I guess you could look at it this way, if you are calling in because you are interested in speed dating, then you could assume that most people who come speed dating are just like you.   

Now we could get more specific such as…what do people wear who come speed dating or do you know the general occupations of those who comes speed dating?   
These are all valid questions we could potentially answer depending on what we ask people when they sign up, but do they determine what “kind” of person they are….probably not. 

It’s difficult for any speed dating host or organizer to know “what kind of person” someone is in the 5 minute time span of registering them either on the phone or at the door,  most events are so busy that the host is lucky to get in a 2 minute conversation with an individual before or after an event. If we were to judge someone’s personality  based on their appearance, then we could probably give you some sort of answer. However, judging someone based on their appearance is not really the best approach to take in any business especially when it comes to dating.

To sum it up, the kind of people who come speed dating are just like you.  They're single, prefer to meet people face to face, have some sort of baggage, are employed (because our tickets cost money), are nervous, optimistic and finally, just like you, they want to know “what kind of people go speed dating”. 

Online Dating Pictures Posting Advice

OK so if you're going to take the time to open an online dating profile on an online dating website, it's in your best interest to post a few good pictures of yourself. Pictures really tell a lot about a person and a great first impression is key. Here's a checklist for you to follow:

- Make sure pictures are recent (within the last 2 years) 

- Make sure your online pictures are of you and not scenery of where you've been; people don't care necessarily care about scenery shots when they're looking for hot guys or hot girls (which is left up to one's personal discretion of course). 

- Post what you would consider to be your best pictures and ask someone for their opinion if it's not too much trouble. 

- Make sure your online pictures are close-ups so they can see what you really look like. 

- Make sure your online pictures are clear and don't wear glasses we can't see your eyes. 

- Don't be half naked in your pics if you're not ready to receive sexual comments or have people approach you for sex. 

- Don't post online pictures of you and your ex or someone of the opposite sex (find someone that can edit your pics for you). 

- Don't post a picture of a good looking celebrity because that's pointless and the people you want to contact you, won't. 

- Make sure that your pictures are current. People want to see what you look like currently and not in the past. If you end up meeting up with someone and look totally different than your picture, you might be wasting your time as that person will not be too impressed with you. 

Next time you post your online dating pictures, follow these tips as they can determine the difference between a positive and negative online experience.

Laura Bilotta is the co-founder of  Single in the City. with a background in television, sales, radio, media and promotions. Her many years of experience working in the dating industry as a professional matchmaker, allows her to share her expertise and give dating and relationship advice.

 

What if my date just wants to be friends?

There could be many reasons why someone is not interested in dating you further or continuing a relationship with you.  Whatever the reason, you have to be honest with yourself. Are you ok with just being friends with them or are you hoping that by being their friend they will change their mind about you?  Remember, there is someone out there for everybody. If you know you want more from him than just to be friends, don't set yourself up for disappointment; just move on, trust me. Don't waste time hanging around someone that in not into you, life is too short and there are many more fish in the sea.  The more time you waste hoping that someone falls in love with you, the further away you are from finding your true love.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and "Streeters" Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.

Is it ok to text, email or call a guy after a first date?

In my opinion, it's ok to text, email or call a guy after a first date to say thank you especially if he paid for the date.  keep it brief and let him know you had a good time.  Guys like to feel appreciated; just don't be pushy and wait for him to call you the next time.

Posted by Laura Bilotta of www.singleinthecity.ca and Streeters Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.

Are there more gentlemen these days or selfish, clueless and hopeless romantics?

It's a Saturday night and I was invited by my friend Violet to the hockey game at the ACC.  We had platinum seats given to us by her ex husband who’s a scalper here in Toronto.  Once we got to the game, she introduced me to another scalper friend Gino.   He told me I was beautiful as he eyed me up and down uncomfortably like I was naked or something. He then turned around and traded our gold seats for Platinum seats a friendly, gentleman like gesture. Would he have traded the seats if he knew he could sell them?  Probably not but he could have also given them to someone else. During the 1^st period break on our way to the Platinum Lounge for a drink we walked by the Philadelphia locker room when out came a Philadelphia player.  It was a moment of pure pleasure and excitement for me but it didn’t help that I forgot to think before I spoke.  I blurted out  “ What can I get you, anything ?” And he replies, “A blow job”. Whaaaaat? I’m thinking, now that was pure class but I guess I walked into that one.     As I'm waiting for Violet outside of the bathroom, I notice a cute guy looking at me so I play along with him to see where it takes me. I give him the hand signal to wait a minute.  When I came back from the bathroom, 2^nd period had started and he was gone.  I came back down for  the next break and there he was so I went up to say hi.  I gave him my number and he text me later that night saying that the ball was in my court if we wanted to meet up again.  In my court?  Why would the ball be in my court where the heck are your balls? This led me to believe that he may have some insecurity issues and that’s a big no no especially  for someone who owns a dating company (www.singleinthecity.ca) After the game was over Violet and I were walking out deciding where to go when this really cute guy named Chris approached me and said “I think love you”.  I said, “you love me”? What do you love about me? He says “I don’t know but come meet up with me for a drink”.  We decided to meet up with Chris and his friend at the Loose Moose.  Call me crazy but I call it spontaneity.   The UFC was on and the bar was busy. Chris say’s “Let’s go get a drink”, but he didn't  move from where he was standing.  I had to approach the bar and ask him if he wanted a drink and he says to me, “you order yours and I’ll get mine afterwards”.  Whaaaaaat? Is this guy for real? He approaches me, invites me for a drink and then makes me buy my own. How does he not know that he looks like a complete and unclassy fool? Any smart girl with dignity would run for the hills.  I wanted to give him some professional advice but I just couldn’t be bothered.    We later went by another bar where we met up with  some guys we knew. They kept offering us drinks which was very kind but not mandatory of course. One of them named Jim was pointing at some woman who he had sex with a little while ago and was explaining how  she saw him at a bar and lost it on him for being a man whore. LOL……he is a man whore loves to play around to see how many women he can get to lust after him and he’s 43, that’s the sad part.  If we can expect this from men at 43, what do you think the poor 25 year old girls are getting these days.    

Post by Laura Bilotta of Single in the City  www.singleinthecity.ca and Streeters Host of Dating 201 on Rogers.